Staring New

Changes in my life:

1. Single, got out of the two year relationship that I had been struggling with for so long.

2. New job, get paid to do what I love. Which is apparently designing stuff for music applications.

3. Not so much eating disorded at the moment, BMI of 19. I always think about food, but I am not restricting or purging anymore.

4. Started to spend more time on my hobbies (reading, writing, tennis, etc.)

Things are going alright but I always wish I was skinnier. Funny how that works.

i'm shaking as i type this. i return here everytime i feel out of control.

i am entirely out of control at the moment.

I'm back...guess I never left.

I've been reading your guys' posts and keeping up.

I'm just not doing so well.

I'm dating someone who doesn't appreciate or respect me it feels like.

He never wants to kiss me or sleep together. I always have to initiate it, and then I feel like a desperate whore.

However, he always whistles and makes comments at hot girls on TV when we are in a movie theater or at home. He doesn't understand why that pisses me off. It pisses me off because it means he does like sex and women, just not with me.

Whatever, I am just fat and disgusted right now. A part of me secretly hates him for all these fucking games he plays.

But then I'm lonely without him. I have no one else here in this town.

Current Weight: 102

All time high for me. I'm only 5 feet tall or so don't be alarmed that I'm complaining about 102.

A  question...

So my boyfriend knows that I struggled with an eating disorder for years and years. He still pinches my stomach and my sides. That is he pulls on it constantly if we're sitting and watching TV or if we're laying down and reading, or even when we're about to go to sleep.

Has this happened to you guys?

I've been eating better lately, but the struggle however small or big is present each day.

I've been sticking to light popcorn for snacks along with diet 7up, tea and water.

Breakfast is usually about 300 calories, followed by lunch at 400 and dinner at 600.

Considering that I workout a bit here and there I'm still managing to lose weight and become more toned. It's not a super quick turn-around but it's something I can stick to without losing my mind.

I thought I'd also sign-up for indoor rock climbing classes after I get back in town. We'll see how it goes I guess.